Past
by uh-huhBoylOver12
Summary: If you don't deal with it, it will strangle you later in life. Santana is finding out what happens when she suppresses all the bad especailly when her best friend Brittany asks her if she loves her. AU deals with adult issues.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything except this story's storyline. The concept belongs to me but the characters don't.**

**A/N: Deals with alcoholism, sexual abuse, and drug abuse, if you can't handle that, I suggest you don't read this.**

Santana's POV

Flashback

"Do you love me?"

Standing there, I gazed down at the floor. Yes, stay please. Don't let him hurt me.

"You need to go." I whispered defeated

She sighed before getting off the bed and walked towards the door. She stopped at the door for a few seconds before opening it and walking out. Turning my head to the left, I swallowed the huge lump that has formed in my throat.

She is better off anyway.

"SANTANA."

I winced at my father's yell from outside my door.

"SANNYBEAR!"

Closing my eyes, I pressed my forehead against the glass. The coldness soothing my hot skin. It's snowing out. A blizzard they say. I just know I haven't seen huge snowflakes like that in years.

Don't come in here please. Not tonight, I can't take it anymore.

I should barricade my door with my chair, desk and any other furniture to keep him out. But I don't. I should grab my bat and when he comes in here, I hit him. But I won't.

The door swung open to reveal my father swaying slightly in his step. When he walked sideways while holding onto the wall, I stared down at the pillow in my hand. My body moved slightly as the bed dipped. His breath reeked of every liquor bottle you could find in our cabinet.

Drunken night number three hundred – sixty four.

"Sannybear sad?"

Staying quiet, my jaw clenched while my ears burned. A big rough calloused hand touched my bare knee before sliding up to rest on my hip.

He shifted closer, "I can fix that."

"This is wrong." I whispered

Thick fingers pushed past my waistband, my eyes slammed shut.

"There's nothing wrong."

Tears began to slide down my face. It is wrong. I can feel it in my stomach. This doesn't feel right.

I feel dirty.

"No." I mumbled

He pulled his hand out, "Don't cry, shh, don't cry. Please don't cry."

I stared down at the purple comforter.

"What's the number one rule?" He asked

I replied, "Don't tell anyone. This never happened."

"Good."

He got off the bed before staggering out of my room. Getting up, I closed the door quietly before laying down on my bed. Closing my eyes, I curled into a ball.

This is wrong.

So wrong.

_CRASH. _Jumping up, I ran out the my door to see what had happened. My heart pounding against my chest as I raced down the stairs. There was Dad past out on the floor. Catching my breath, my shoulders slumped forward as I moved towards him.

Vomit.

He is lying in his own vomit once again. Rolling my eyes, I grabbed his ankles and dragged him out of the kitchen. Once we were near the couch, I lifted him by the shoulder and then his legs.

Every night.

Draping the blanket over him, I walked back into the kitchen to clean up the mess he made. First the glass since I don't want to get hurt or cut myself, after that the vomit. Flicking the light off, I made my way back upstairs.

Present

Four years of my life consisted of me dealing with my father. It started out as alcohol then led to abusing prescription drugs. He would hide alcohol under the couch, bed, trunk of his car, behind the desk, and in water bottles. Vodka would be stashed in a water bottle.

I had the lovely gift of drinking it one day.

He went from being drunk to being high and drunk. Vicodin, Hydrocodone, Ocycodone, Ambien, Xanax.

I was thirteen when he molested me.

It went from holding hands, massages, to his hand down my pants. Touching me in places that should have been left alone. You would think after having all those warning signs, someone would have stopped it or at least saw something wrong. But no, when you are a kid and a parent does that, it's cute.

I lost all innocence at thirteen after that I had to deal with his other bullshit. Because of him I am now seventeen and afraid of intimacy.

I freak out if someone that I am dating or involved with touches me a certain way. I can't help it. I just get flashbacked to when I was a kid and it was happening.

I can remember every touch, how I felt, and what he said.

Now my demons are strangling me.

I miss her.

It's because of my issues we aren't together anymore. Well technically, we were just friends that used to do things with each other.

Best friends don't kiss. Best friends don't hold hands. Best friends don't tell each other that they love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives with them. Best friends don't spend countless of hours in a day, hanging out and doing stupid shit.

We did.

"SANTANA!"

I rolled my eyes as Puck appeared hugging me, "How was your Christmas break?"

"Fine, you?" I asked quietly

He grins, "I can't complain, got some cool gifts for Christmas."

"Cool." I replied nodding

We walked down the hallways of McKinley high. Puck is a friend that's all. We used to the whole best friends with benefits but I'm into girls. He is the only one I can rely on really. He protects me. Fixing my Cheerios skirt, I held my books tightly to my chest.

"I'll be back after class to walk you to your next." He said hugging me

Letting go of him, I walked into Mr. Schuster's Spanish class. He should just let me teach the class, maybe someone would learn something. Biting my lip, I tried not to let out a squeal.

There she is, sitting in the back row with Quinn. We are the Unholy Trinity. People fear us.

"Over here Santana." Q said waving

Walking over, I kept my gaze down as I grabbed a seat. I'm sitting next to her. She smells like Vanilla today, it's different from her usual Strawberry.

"Hey, I texted you over the break and got nothing back. What's up with that?" Q asked curiously

I opened my mouth before closing it.

I didn't have an excuse. I just didn't want to text anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone. No one understands that.

I think I'm depressed.

So I shrugged in response before opening my book.

"_Do you love me?"_

At the time, she asked me that I wasn't out. I was still with Puck. I didn't know if I loved her or not. On top of that, I had all those other things to deal with.

I was told when I was young to sweep everything under the rug. Anything bad happened; we would act as if nothing was wrong. Suppress your feelings even if you want to cry. No crying.

Crying is weak.

Vulnerability is being a pussy.

Two things I am certainly not. Probably why I can't tell someone I like them or love them. Most of the days, I don't know what I'm feeling. I never felt things like these. I don't know the names.

She doesn't hate me.

"San?"

I turned to her to get shivers, "Hmm?"

"How do you say I like?"

Gazing into her blue eyes, I responded, "Me gusta."

"Thanks." She said smiling brightly at me

I gave her a small smile as I watched her scribble it down on the paper. My eyes roamed down her cheek, to her jaw, to that soft curve in her neck and stared at her shoulder. The soft pale white skin screams at me to kiss it, hold it, caress it and make love to it.

I want to.

Shaking my head of these thoughts, I turned back to the board where Will was talking about the Past.

Past.

I hate that word. The past should just be able to be deleted like a file on a computer. Erased away with an eraser as if it is nothing but an error, maybe then my life would be easier. Dealing with, what my therapist calls it, issues.

"San."

I looked at her once again, "Hmm?"

"How do you say I want?"

I licked my lips, "Yo quiero."

"Okay, thanks."

I raised a questioning eyebrow at her. What the hell is she writing? We aren't even doing anything like that in class. She was hunched over the desk a bit while she scribbled something on the paper.

Quinn was texting aimlessly while I was sitting there trying to comprehend what Will was butchering. It's eleven thirty, in a few hours I will go home. Three hours after going home, my father will be home. By that time it will be night, he will take something to go to sleep.

The nightmares will begin then.

Another thing I'm afraid of is night.

When it's dark out, bad things happen.

"San?"

I sighed before turning to her, "Hmm?"

"How do you say I love you?"

"Te amo." I whispered

"Okay thanks."

I shook my head in wonder as she went back to writing. All the things I want to tell you, you keep asking me how to say.

Me gustas. Te quiero. Te amo.

But I will hurt you. I will hurt you because I can't handle how I feel. I can't handle these demons. I don't know how to get past them to be able to get close to you. I will hurt you because I want to hurt myself.

I have thought about it.

Offing myself that is. I thought about hanging, pills, and cutting. I'm too much of a chicken shit though. But the thoughts are there. I already wrote my own note if I ever get the guts to do it.

"Alright class why don't you pair up while I go help Mrs. Pillsbury out."

I rolled my eyes, they are going to go fuck.

"San?"

My eyes flickered over to bright blues one, "Yea?"

"Are you okay?"

I stared at her. No. I am not. I need your help. I need someone's help. I need someone to care about me. I want someone to care about me. I'm tired of having people hurt me, betray me and fuck me over. Please I need you.

"I'm okay." I said

She bit her lip, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

Lies, all lies. I'm pathetic.

"Okay, can you help me with the homework?"

I would do anything for you.

I nodded moving my chair closer, "Of course Britt."

Lunch

"So can I have some of you mac and cheese?" Puck asked

I slid the plate to him while sighing, "Take it, I'm not hungry."

He stared at me with concerned eyes before moving closer to talk in a hushed voice.

"Is he doing it again?"

Again.

No. It was only at thirteen. Drinking? Yes. He doesn't ever stop.

"No." I stated quickly

I glanced up to see Brittany, Sam, and Quinn walked over. Sam was holding Brittany's lunch for her while doing one of his stupid impressions. I gazed down at the table while clenching my jaw.

I want to vomit. He thinks she is his. She is mine. The girl is mine. I am forever imprinted in her mind, her body and heart.

"Hey guys."

I remained quiet as B sat across from me with Sam and Quinn on either side. Puck was talking about his latest conquest while Q was talking about Finn. It's hard not to roll my eyes when she talks about him. He is with Rachel get over it.

"Puckerman, having a party anytime soon?"

He shrugged, "Possibly this weekend."

I felt my phone vibrate. I pulled it out and unlocked the screen to see two text messages. One from my father and one from Brittany.

Father: I'm going to be home late. Don't wait up.

I think my nervous system just went through an orgasmic sigh of relief.

Brittany: Look up please?

Glancing at the time it was sent, I sighed.

Two minutes ago.

Anything for you Brittany, looking up there were bright concerned eyes staring at me. I kept her gaze for a few minutes while she tried to read me. Breaking the stare, I looked out the window.

I want to go home. I want to go home and sleep.

"Santana."

I jumped out of my inner monologue to see Q staring at me, "Jeez, I have been calling you for five minutes. Where the hell are you today?"

I stared at her silently.

"I'm just tired."

That isn't a lie, I spent most of the night waiting with a bat by my door. I wasn't able to protect myself before but now I can.

Quinn shook her head, "Better wake up before practice or Sue's going to have you run laps."

"Yeah."

I glanced back out the window.

I wonder if anyone would care if I was gone?

Practice

"Sandbags move it!"

I glared at Sue as I ran my sixth lap. Everyone else got to hit the showers but apparently I am not up to par. As I completed my final lap, I panted while Sue just yelled at me to get out of her sight.

Opening the door to the locker room, most of the girls were already gone. Walking over to the bench, I plopped down and put my head in my hands.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being here.

"Sanny?"

I lifted my head to see B standing there, "Yeah?"

"You're not okay."

I don't say anything. I just open my locker and begin to change out of my uniform while Britt stood there holding her duffle bag.

"I'm fine."

She shook her head, "No, I know you better than that."

"You think you know me better than that." I spat out

Push her away.

It will be easier.

"Don't do that."

I stared at her with a glare, "Do what?"

"Try to hurt me."

I let out a breath while putting my sweatpants on. Please just leave me alone. You don't understand. No one does. I want to be close to you so bad, but I can't. I'm afraid. I don't want to get hurt worse than what he did.

"I'm not doing anything."

She moved closer, "You know you can talk to me. We are best friends."

Slash to the heart, fire and burn in my chest. Best friends. Best friends. Those words haunt me since I want to be so much more than that.

"You should go. Sam is probably waiting." I said quietly

B stared at the side of my face, "I don't care if he is. I need to make sure you are okay."

"I'm fine damn it." I spat out slamming the locker

Brittany flinched at the sound while I glared at her with anger.

Anger. I can't control it anymore. I want to hit everything I see.

"Okay." She said sadly

I watched her turn around and head out of the locker room.

Licking my lips, "Brittany."

"Yeah?" She said softly

Don't go.

"Never mind."

Brittany's shoulders slumped a bit as she walked out of the room. I pressed my forehead against the locker and closed my eyes.

"Stay please."

**A/N: So this story is all true events. I think I'm going to make it a two shot, maybe a three shot. If you like it review. If you don't, well then goodbye. **

**Review if you want. I'll update another chapter soon. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I own this story's content, just not the characters of Glee.**

**A/N: Deals with sexual, alcohol, and narcotic abuse, you have been warned. If you can't hand those issues, please stop reading.**

Santana's POV

Two Days Later

"Hey Santana."

Turning around, I tried not to growl. Sam was walking over to me with a stupid grin on his face as I grabbed my books from my lockers. Sam shrugged his jacket on while wrapping a scarf around his neck before leaning against my locker.

Those days where you hate the world? That's today. I hate the world. My life is going nowhere. Nothing ever gets better it only gets worse. On top of all that, I have to deal with mindless idiots on a daily basis.

My therapist says you will have several "bad" days instead of good ones. The only thing is not to give up hope and to hold on.

That's fucking bull shit. I want to punch her in the face. She is robbing me of my money.

"Sam." I said coldly

Take a hint; get the fuck away from me.

He smiled, "Have you seen B?"

No I haven't seen her you enormous twat. She hasn't spoken to me since the locker room incident. I'm an asshole. I hurt everyone I meet.

"No not today." I replied curt

He sighed, "Damn, I have been looking for her. She left her jacket at my house the other day."

I closed my eyes as the sharp knife stabbed into my stomach. She was at his house. In his room. Of course she would be. He can hold her. Love her. Tell her everything will be okay.

"Sorry," I said closing my locker, "I have to go."

I didn't wait for a reply, I just walked away. People just need to leave me alone. Don't talk to me. Don't try to find out what's wrong. Just leave me alone.

"San."

I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard her voice. Her angelic voice that can rock me to sleep even during the roughest nights. Then same voice I crave to call me baby, to say I love you, and to tell me everything will be alright.

Even if that's a lie.

Turning around, I gave her a small smile, "Hi."

She was in her Cheerios uniform with Sugar Motta next to her. Sugar Motta's father is rich which makes her royalty apparently. Sometimes I stare at her and want to hurt her also. Taking things like money for granted. Until you have lost everything, you don't ever appreciate it.

"Hey, you going to lunch?" B asked smiling brightly

Our eyes locked while I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, "Um, no. I have something to do."

Lie number three. The first lie was when she asked me if I was okay. I lied. The second lie was when she asked me if I wanted to hang out. I lied and told her I had plans.

Lies, these lies are getting easier to say than what I truly feel. I can't just say, I'm not going to lunch because I have been daydreaming all day about hanging myself in one of these empty classrooms and plan on trying.

"Oh, want company?" She questioned hopeful

Of course I do, I want you more than you know. I need you more than you think.

I shook my head no, "No I'm fine. I'll see you later."

Without waiting for a reply once again, I turned then headed down the hallway. Gripping my binder, I let my head fall down a bit.

I don't want people to look at me. Sometimes I think people can tell I have been hurt in the past. Sometimes I think there is just a huge stamp on my forehead that says Dirty-filthy slut that caused her father to do these things to her.

Strolling down the empty hall, I searched for a classroom. My heart began to pound against my chest again and my palms started to sweat.

Anxiety.

I get a lot of it. Panic Attacks. My heart starts to pound or I'll have a palpitation. My hands get all sweaty, my leg starts to bounce, I get fidgety and I have to move. I can't stop moving or I will freak out.

"Sanny."

I sighed. Does she have a GPS tracker located on my body or something?

I looked up, "Britty?"

Britt moved closer to me with a small smile, "Come with me."

"I can't, I have things to do." I replied quickly

Can't you see I'm trying to avoid you? I'm trying to avoid myself. I'm trying to avoid life.

B bit her lip, "Are you avoiding me?"

"No."

"It seems that way. I know things have been different between us since Sam came into the picture, but I need my bestie still."

Please just keep taking the pitchfork and jabbing me in the heart. I don't feel it, I swear. Sam can go fuck himself.

I rubbed the back of my neck, "Well I'm not and I don't care what you do with Sam. I have to go."

I went to maneuver around her but she stopped me. I glared at her as she stared right back with a stern look on her face.

"Are you jealous?"

I cringed at those words before spitting out, "I don't give a fuck about you or Sam. Can you take a fucking hint and leave me alone?"

I could see tears beginning in her eyes. Fuck. Nice going Santana, can't you do anything right? You fucking screw up.

"Brittany." I whispered lowly

She just dropped her head, spun on her heal and walked away without a single word. I kept my eyes on her as she turned the corner and disappeared.

You fucking dip shit. Here we go, now I'm going to start with self-hate. What's that? It's when I call myself names like stupid, asshole, dip shit, dumbass, fucking pussy, and any other things you can think of.

I deserve to be alone. Walking down the hall, I went towards the cafeteria. I can just go in there and say I'm sorry. Opening the door, I went in and walked towards our table. Puck was sitting there with Quinn as Sam had his arm wrapped around Brittany. She had her head in her hands. Everyone was quiet.

"Santana." Q began

I didn't say anything, I just kept my eyes trained on B, "Santana, this isn't a good time."

Shut the fuck up Quinn. Just because you got pregnant and gave your baby up for adoption, does not mean that the world has to bow down to your every command.

"Brittany. " I said quietly

She didn't look up, Sam sat there glaring up at me, "Do you think you have done enough?"

I don't need you telling me how shitty I am.

"Shut up Sam, this does not concern you." I growled at him

Sam's face-hardened, "It has everything to do with me since Brittany and I are dating. You want to walk around being a total bitch then go ahead but don't hurt the people who care about. You are nothing but a lifeless, emotionless, bitch."

Balling my fists, I glared at him, "You don't know shit. I suggest you sit the fuck down before I knock you out."

Sam stood up as Puck jumped off the table and in front of him, "You better think twice Sam, just because you are my boy does not mean I won't lay you out."

I rolled my eyes. Men and their testosterone, I have more important things to attend to right now. Pushing my way past them, I sat down next to Brittany. Bringing my hand up, I placed my finger under her chin. Pulling it up, I brought her face to look at mine.

"I'm sorry B." I whispered

Britt stared at me with watery eyes, "Why won't you just talk to me?"

Because I can't. I don't know how to tell you these things. I don't want you worrying about me. I'm not worth it.

"There's nothing to talk about. I'm on the rag, that's it."

Lie number 4. I'm going to keep count of my lies now, see if I can catch them all.

B smiled slightly, "Wanna hangout after school then?"

I bit my lip. No, I don't.

"Okay."

Lie number 5.

She grinned at me before hugging me. I flinched at the contact as her hands rubbed my back. He used to do that. Rub his hands up and down my back, massage my shoulders and slide them down to my ass. Closing my eyes, I pushed Britt off me.

"San?"

It's only when she touches me. I get the flashbacks when she touches me. Why? I want to know why.

I stood up, "I have to go."

Hightailing my ass out of there, I leaned up against the girls bathroom door and panted. It's okay. He's not here. It won't happen again.

After school

I am currently in my room waiting for Brittany to show up. My father won't be home for another three hours, that gives me two hours to spend time with B then the other hour cooking dinner. If I don't have it on the table when he gets home, he gets angry.

I wish my mom didn't work as much as she does. I wish she was home more. I always think back to those times when I was a child and these things were happening. She was never around. She was always working.

"SANTANA!"

I raised an eyebrow as my door swung open to reveal a smiling Brittany, "Hi there."

I smiled at her before taking in her outfit. She had the ripped jeans on with a long sleeve shirt with the letters YOLO on it and her hair pulled in back in a tight ponytail. She's so cute. I on the other hand look like shit in pajama pants and a tank top.

"Hey." I said

Britt hopped in before kicking her boots off and bouncing on my bed. I watched as she slowly crawled her way up to sit next to me. I kept my eyes on her as she fixed the pillow and laid her head down on it. Maybe it will smell like her afterwards.

"Whatcha doing?"

I bit my lip, "Nothing."

Lie number 6.

I was sitting here contemplating on grabbing the razor blade under my pillow and trying to cut myself again. On top of that, I was wondering if I could suffocate my father with a pillow when he passes out from all the alcohol he drinks.

"Well that's going to change, wanna watch a movie?"

"Sure, you pick." I answered back

Lie number 7.

I don't want to watch a movie, I want to hold you in my arms and never let you go.

Britts jumped up to grab the remote and turn on the T.V. I watched as she plopped down on her stomach then flip through the movies on demand. When she finally found one, I tried not to groan since it was Lady and the Tramp. I don't know how many times she plans on making me watch this movie.

"Come over here lazy butt."

I rolled my eyes with a smile playing at my lips. I stood up on my knees before letting myself fall down next to her. B giggled at my antics, I smiled at her. We were a few inches away from each other. If I leaned in, our shoulders would be touching. Clear blue eyes were practically smiling at me with glee, I tried to not smile but it failed.

She makes me smile. Brittany had her head tilted to me, her eyes flickered from my eyes to my lips. I licked my lips subconsciously while gazing right back at her.

"You haven't been yourself lately. I'm worried about you." She spoke softly

I let my eyes drift down to the bed. I should tell her everything. I need to tell someone that isn't being paid to listen to me bitch. Someone who actually cares about my well-being.

"Everything is fine Britt Britt, I told you. I'm on the rag is all." I said shrugging

Lie number 8.

I don't get my period for another two weeks.

B didn't seem to believe me but didn't push it, "Okay."

My eyes drifted over to the T.V., I stared at it aimlessly. I glanced over at B from the corner of my eye to see what she was doing. Britt was staring at the movie with a small smile on her face.

"Brittany." I said gently

B didn't move her eyes, "Hmm?"

"Do you love him?"

I could feel the tension rise as soon as I asked that question. I need to know. If she does, then I need to move on. If she does not, I can hold onto the fact she can be mine.

B shifted, "Why does that matter?"

Because you matter.

"Because once upon a time you asked me that same question." I replied staring at her

Brittany bit her lip contemplating what to say while keeping her eyes fixated on me. I rolled on my side, propped my head on my hand and stared at her. She mimicked my actions silently.

"We were young then San."

I sighed, "So you are saying you didn't mean it when you asked me?"

B turned her head a bit to the side, "No that's not what I'm saying."

"Then what are you saying?" I asked impatiently

"I'm saying maybe we didn't know what love was back then."

Slap to the face, kick to the gut, and shove to the floor. Thanks.

I balled my fist, "Just because we were thirteen doesn't mean we didn't know what love is."

"You never answered the question if I remember correctly." She shot back quickly

I opened my mouth then closed it.

She was right. I didn't. How am I supposed to argue with that? I left her hanging. I left her side so Sam jumped right on in with no questions asked.

"I don't want to argue Sanny." She whispered sadly

I let out a harsh breath, "You don't want to do anything with me anymore."

B glared at me.

"What?"

I glared right back, "You heard me."

"You keep pushing me away. I have asked you to hangout all the time, you either say you are too busy or tired. I'm the one that doesn't want to anything with you? Are you crazy?" B replied angrily

Rolling on my back, I stared up at the ceiling while biting the inside of my cheek. You will not cry. Crying is for pussies. When you cry you are vulnerable. When you are vulnerable, you get embarrassed. You fucking weakling.

"I'm not saying hanging out." I replied

B sighed next to me before shuffling closer, "I can't do that anymore. I'm with Sam."

You shouldn't be. He doesn't get you like I do. He's a stupid boy.

"It's not cheating." I countered turning my head towards her.

She was closer than I expected, our noses brushed softly while I took a sharp intake of breath. My lower half starting to tingle and throb because of her proximity.

Britt just let her eyes flicker down, "It is."

I let my eyes close.

He made me kiss him on the lips. I feel dirty when I think about his mouth against mine. I can picture it over in my head as if it was nothing but a short film.

"Sanny."

I tried not to flinch when I felt her hand caress my cheek I opened my eyes to see her staring at me with darker blue eyes.

"I know you're hiding something. Please just talk to me." She whispered

I stared at her, "I can't."

"Why not?"

I licked my lips, "I don't know how. I don't want you to think I'm disgusting."

I know I'm disgusting, filthy and dirty, I don't need you thinking that also. I don't want you looking at me with pity, sympathy or anything else like that. If I tell you, your perception of me changes. Everything changes, I can't handle that. I don't want that.

Britt's face contorted in sadness with a mix of surprise, "I would never think that."

"That's what you say now." I answered quickly

She shook her head, "No. I would never think that."

This is all too much. This wasn't supposed to happen the way it is. All I wanted was to watch a movie and not have to explain anything.

"San."

I didn't say anything.

"I can't." I mumbled

Brittany just gazed at me, "Why?"

"I don't know how."

B scoffed, "Just say it."

"I can't." I repeated

No one understands this.

Brittany shook her head before sitting up. My eyes snapped closed as the warmth from her touch disappeared from my cheek. I laid there frozen, not wanting to move.

"How bad can it be?"

I opened my eyes to see her staring at me, "Bad."

"Did someone hurt you?"

I swallowed thickly, "Yes."

B's eyes went wide slightly and then moved back to her previous position. I felt her hand rub my cheek again very softly.

"I need you to promise me something B."

She nodded, "What?"

I licked my lips before moving closer to her. Our noses grazing against each other while I moved my hand to lay on top of hers.

"If something was to ever happen to me, I want you to know that I care about you." I confessed

"I don't understand."

I sighed, "Just promise me ok?"

"Promise. Santana you are scaring me."

I moved even closer to sit up a bit, "Don't be."

Brittany laid there staring at me.

"Are you going to hurt yourself like Dave did?"

Yes.

"No."

Lie number 9.

B let out a breath of relief, "Good, I don't know what I would do if I lost you."

I didn't say anything back.

You would be better off. You wouldn't have to put up with the run around bull shit I am slinging you through. I'm just fed up. Fed up with fighting, fed up with bills, fed up with this anxiety, fed up with my past.

My past is trying to kill me.

Brittany moved closer while tilting her head. Closing my eyes, I balled my fist as our lips grazed in a soft kiss. It was so delicate that I am not sure if it was there. As fast as it happened was as fast as it was over.

There was a door slamming downstairs, my blood ran cold.

"I thought your Dad wasn't going to be home until late?"

Jumping up, I ran over to my window to see his Beamer parked in the driveway. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I need to get her out of here.

"Brittany you have to go."

B sat up confused, "But why?"

"SANTANA!"

My eyes shot over to the door where footsteps were approaching. I was about to say something when the door swung open and my father swayed in slightly. He was a bit tipsy but not drunk.

"Hey- oh we have company I see."

I bit my lip to prevent myself from screaming, "Hi Mr. Lopez."

"Brittany my dear, look at you, grown up into a very lovely lady." He replied grinning

Balling my fists at my side, I glared him. Don't look at her like that.

"Brittany was just leaving."

She raised an eyebrow, "I was?"

"Yes." I said sternly

Brittany didn't say anything, she just grabbed her stuff and walked over to me. I kept my eyes trained on my father as her lips pressed to my cheek then walked out.

I inhaled a deep breath from my nose before staring at him, "Is that all?"

"Yes."

He staggered out while I went to close my door.

Drunken night number- three hundred sixty six.

My therapist gave me a journal, she told me to write in it when I had feelings I couldn't explain. Staring at the blank page, I grabbed a pen. I can't talk about my feelings, I can write them or make lyrics. I can't tell people how I feel but it comes out through writing. Maybe, if I try I can explain to Brittany how I feel about her. Maybe then, I can make her mine. But when she is mine, nothing changes. I will still be fucked up. Afraid of intimacy, afraid of commitment, afraid of her finding out everything and afraid of being with her, the only difference she would be mine not his.

I'm still going to be dirty no matter how many times I shower after a flashback. No matter how many times I talk to my therapist about it. It does not erase it you only get numb. Once you are numb, it doesn't matter if you talk about it. But when you relive that moment, it's like four years haven't past. I'm still that same little girl laying on her bed watching t.v., when he came into my room and flipped her world upside down.

That day, my childhood died and hell began. I just hope it's not too late to fix things.

Night

I don't know how I ended up here. In front of Brittany's window that is. I climbed the tree to the balcony before climbing over the railing. I am currently staring inside her room. It's two in the morning I think. Brittany is asleep in her bed with Lord Tubbington cuddled by her feet.

I feel like a creeper. Fucking stranger danger right now.

Bringing my hand up, I knocked on the window. I could see her head shoot up alarmed before rubbing her eyes. B pushed her blankets off to reveal long toned pale legs and padded over to the door. Once unlocked, she opened it and stared at me confused.

"What are you doing here?" She whispered

I rubbed my hands against my pants, "I don't know."

With most of the things in my life, I have to hit rock bottom to realize I need help. I'm not there yet with my father issue, but with Brittany I am.

Britt's eyebrows furrowed, "Are you high?"

No. But I wish I was.

"No."

She stared at me confused, "Is everything okay?"

"No."

Finally not a lie.

"What's wrong?"

Just say it Santana.

I stared at her, "You aren't with me."

B stood there with a confused expression, "What?"

"You aren't with me, that's what's wrong. Ever since you haven't been with me, nothing has been right." I rushed out

My ears feel like they are on fire. I hate talking like this about feelings, I feel stupid afterward. I'm so embarrassed right now. I _lifted_ the paper that I had brought with me all the way from my house and handed it to her.

"I can't say how I feel, I can write it though." I admitted sadly

It's pathetic.

B took the paper before opening, she inhaled a sharply when her eyes met the letter that were written across it in bold letters.

_What I can't say, I can sing. What I sing, is the truth. I want to say, I'm no good with words. What I want to say, is my heart is yours. I want you to hold my hand, kiss me until I can't stand. I want you to love me, love me with every last breath. I want you to be mine, I want to be yours. What I'm trying to say is this beating heart is yours. Please tell me you need me just as much as I need you? _

_I don't want to hurt you, but it's in my DNA. I rather kill myself than make you cry another day. I have all these problems, there from my past. They are eating me alive, so quick- so fast. I have to tell you all of these things, I am afraid you will hate the real me. Soon I'll say all that is bad, I will handle these issues I desperately have._

_That's not why am writing this, to tell you my secrets. I don't know how to handle, the fact you aren't mine. All I am saying is, stop being with him. I can make you so much happier, just please give in. I need you, I want you, I like you so much, my body is craving for your delicate touch. I miss your lips against mine, I miss the way your pinky fits mine. So please think about this, give me another chance. I want to be your past, present, future; please I want it so bad. _

I waited for her to finish reading it, she glanced up with watery eyes. Taking her hand, I placed my fingertip on her arm. I began to write softly.

I. L. O.V.E. Y.O.U.

I stopped to place an exclamation point right by the crease of her elbow. Looking at her, she stared at me with a huge smile.

"There's more." I whispered sadly

Britts grabbed my wrist and pulled me into her room, "It can wait, and right now I want you to hold me."

I watched her slowly make her way back to her bed and wait for me to follow. Once I did, I slipped my arms around her waist and pulled her against me. I let my eyes drift closed.

It can wait. I just don't know what to tell you that has been going on these past years.

I don't know how to tell you the person that you love, hates herself the most.

_**A/N: So thank you for all the reviews, alerts, and favorites. Like I said in the previous chapter, most of the content in these chapters are based on real life events. Some of it is made up in a sense that is not what actually the way it happened. **_

_**The whole poem in this chapter are legit my feelings towards someone in particular. I wrote it for him but we never worked out so yeah.**_

_**Anyone who wants to know more about Hey Sexy Lady, please contact me through PM and I will address it there. **_

_**Okay, review please?**_


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except this story's storyline. It's based on true events.

Next Day

Santana's POV

I am happy it's Saturday. One reason being, I don't have to go to school. I can lie in bed and not deal with him or my mother all day. Second reason is I'm lying in Brittany's bed with her body pressed up against me. I stare up at the ceiling while I listen to her soft breath brush my ear. My hand running up and down her forearm softly.

What now? What happens now? How do I tell her about these past years? How do I tell her that I have a suicide note under my pillow because I'm so tired that I want to kill myself.

When did things get so bad?

I just need one thing to go right in my life. One positive thing because I'm barely holding on right now. I'm slowly losing faith and hope. I have been abused, mistreated, disappointed, betrayed, cheated on, and ignored. I need something I can look forward to. A reason for me to get out of bed instead of laying there for hours sleeping and shutting out the world.

Glancing down, I let my eyes roam her face. She was laying on her side with her face pushed against my shoulder. Her hair was sprawled out while the blankets were bunched around her waist. My eyes glided down from her closed eyes to the curve of her nose, to her lips that were slightly parted.

This would be my one good thing.

Brittany that is.

I would get better for her. I would get past these issues for her. She makes me want to be better so I can be in a relationship and treat her right. So I can feel normal for once.

"Santana?"

I smiled when I watched her rub her eyes sleepily, "Yeah, I'm here."

"Good. I thought last night was just a dream." B mumbled

The wind knocked out of my lungs as she opened her eyes to stare up at me. Light blue clear eyes stared right back at me with admiration shining through. I couldn't help but smile as I felt these weird feelings in the bottom of my stomach. They don't feel like butterflies but mi abuela told me that they are.

I shook my head, "Nope not a dream, it was all real."

Brittany propped herself to glanced at the clock. It read nine o' clock in bright red letters; I have been up since seven. I don't sleep at night usually, when I do it's only a few hours. I never sleep more than five hours. I have my father to thank for that.

"I can see. I'm totally going to frame that little note you gave me." B replied with a cheeky smile

I blushed slightly, "You don't have to. It was corny and lame."

You dumbass.

"No! It was sweet, romantic and very charming."

She's just saying that. It was horrific.

Britt moved closer to me with a smirk playing at her lips, "Come on let's get up, brush our teeth and get some food!"

I nodded before following her lead. We ate some food that her mother had made for breakfast before strolling back upstairs. I laid down next to her while she stared at the note with a grin on her face.

"You don't know how long I have been waiting to hear something like this from you."

I didn't say anything.

She turned to look at me with a smile, "We should talk though like what happens now?"

I still didn't say anything because I don't know what happens now. It's up to her really. She is the one with a boyfriend; I'm the one with the baggage. If I went on a plane, my baggage would exceed the limit. I would have to pay for another ticket.

"Do you want to be with me?"

Grabbing her forearm, I brought my finger to her skin. I began to trace letters again.

O.F. C.O.U.R.S.E.

I glanced up at her while she beamed down at me, "But you have to let me in San, stop pushing me away. You know that right?"

That is going to be harder than it sounds.

I licked my lips, "I know, all I can say is I'll try."

B nodded before watching my finger trace things again.

S. L.O.V.E.S. B. 3

I watched as the corner of her lips turned into a smile while I continued to trace that over and over. I want her to understand this. I want her to know how I feel.

"But there is Sam." B whispered sadly

My finger stopped, "But you don't love him right?"

B shook her head, "No, but I like him. I don't want to hurt him."

Moving from between her legs, I sat up with a hurt expression, "But you would hurt me to protect his feelings?"

B inhaled sharply, "Santana no, I'm just confused at what to do right now."

"There's nothing to be confused about." I spat out

Balling my fists, I felt the heat rise up to my head. The blood rushing to my ears as my anger began to bubble to the surface. I ball my fists, uncurl it, and repeat. It's a form of anxiety relieving exercise. It's when you feel the muscle clench and unclench.

How could I be so stupid? Of course, she wouldn't leave him for me.

Britt moved closer, "San."

I kept my eyes trained on the rug in her room.

"I love you San, you know I do. I just- I'm with Sam right now."

I felt tears prick my eyes while I continued to ball my fist. Brittany placed her hand on top of mine but I jerked away from her.

Glaring down at her, I snapped, "You don't want to hurt him?! He is just a stupid boy. We have known each other since preschool. What about me? Do I fucking matter? Do my feelings ever matter to you people?! I'm not a fucking robot."

All I do is prevent everyone else from getting hurt, I end up hurt. I don't want to hurt anyone, I rather it be me because I don't matter. But this is just bull shit.

Britt flinched at my voice, "Please calm down."

"Don't tell me calm down, I just poured my heart out to you and what do you do? Fucking throw it in the shredder for someone you have been dating for two months. We were hooking up longer than that. I should mean more to you. Do you even fucking care about me?" I yelled

Does anyone ever care about me?

"Stop yelling at me. Of course, I care about you. I am confused." Britt replied watery eyed

I glared at her before grabbing my jacket.

"Don't go."

I scoffed, "Come find me when you aren't confused."

Opening the balcony doors, I made my way over the railing and hop onto the tree. Brittany following me and trying to stop me from leaving. Tears were lightly falling every time I blinked. I pushed them down, the lump in my throat getting larger. I was burning hot. I want to hurt something or someone. I want to hit something.

Making my way onto the pavement, I took off in a sprint to my house.

Again, again I get fucked over. Again, I am pushed to the side. Again, I try to open up to someone to just get hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore. I'm not going to hurt anymore. I'm done.

As soon as I get home, I walk into my room ignoring my mother calling me. Slamming the door closed, I rushed around my room. My hands are shaking, I can feel my heart beating in my ears, my body is started to shake as much as my hands. I feel anxious. My throat feels like there is a boa constrictor around it while my lungs ache. I'm starting to get shortness of breath which is causing me to panic even more.

Anxiety.

Grabbing the bottle of Xanax, I grabbed two little white pills and popped them in my mouth. Deep breath in, everything is okay. You are okay, it's just anxiety. You can't let it control you, you are better than this. Just breathe think of the beach, think of your happy place. The oceans, the waves, the seagulls chirping, just breathe. Sitting down on the bed, I tried to stop pacing.

How could she do this to me?

"Santana."

My head snapped to the left where my mother stood, "Did you take your pills?"

"Yes."

Lie number 10.

I didn't take my anti-depression medication, I refuse to. I'm not crazy. I don't need that shit. My mother, satisfied with my answer, told me to clean my room before walking out. I'll clean my room when I feel like it.

Slipping my fingers under my pillow, I grasped the sharp edged razor. Pulling it out, I stared at it. I have read stories about cutting. Once you start, you can't stop. It's like an addiction. But the scars, the scars it leaves. I'm already disgusting and shameful, I don't need to add on.

Plus I don't think I can do it. Press the knife to my skin and pull. Watch my skin split open and blood pour out. It's supposed to make the pain go away. Maybe it will make my pain go away.

These pills kick in fast, I am already yawning. Placing the razor back, I grabbed the journal to write another letter.

Dear whoever gives a fuck,

I am sorry.

-Santana

Staring at the page, I closed the book before laying my head down. My heart is still racing but if I fall asleep, it will go away.

Just a little nap.

…..

I wake up to a loud crash. Getting up, I walked out of my room to see my father and mother arguing again.

"Go lay down you drunken asshole."

I rolled my eyes when he staggered through the kitchen and into the living room. He plopped down on the couch while staring blankly at the television.

Drunken night- three hundred sixty seven.

Walking back into my room, I grabbed my phone to see a bunch of texts from Puck, Quinn, Brittany and Blaine. Ignoring them, I threw myself on my bed.

I don't want to talk to anyone. They can all go fuck themselves.

"Santana you have a visitor."

I growled into my pillow. Someone had better have a good reason on disturbing my slumber.

"Hey gurl hey." Puck sang out

I sighed before rolling on my back, "What do you want?"

"You look like shit." He commented

I just covered my face with my arm.

Don't need to remind me. Keep on helping my self-esteem please. I felt the bed dip and Puck's strong body pull me into him. I curled into a ball against him.

"I'm here."

I nodded, "Don't go please."

"Never."

I gripped his shirt while there was another crash downstairs followed by screaming. Dad is probably trying to get his car key s so he can leave but mom is stopping him. It always goes like that. He usually falls everywhere and bangs his head, I don't understand how he is still living without a traumatic brain disorder or something.

I flinched at the loud sound as my phone went off. I know Puck checked it for me since we don't have boundaries like that.

"It's Brittany."

I sighed, "Leave it."

"Is everything ok with you two?" Puck asked softly

I looked up at him, "I don't want to talk about it."

I never do.

It hurts less to just ignore it, suppress it, bury it deep within and never deal with it. Don't deal with it, that's my motto.

"Santana you have another visitor." Mom yelled

I rolled my eyes.

Quinn needs to leave me alone. She is a real pain in my fucking ass. I don't move from my spot in Puck's arms. The door opens and I hear footsteps shuffle in.

"San?"

I felt my blood freeze. Sitting up there was Brittany, her eyes bouncing back and forth between me and Puck. I moved out from his embrace as we both sat up from our positions. She had a hurt, jealous, and sad look on her face.

She doesn't like Puck with me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked coldly

B closed the door behind her, "I'm sorry."

I don't say anything. I'm sorry, those two words do not mean anything to me anymore. They are empty words to me. I have heard them so many times, in so many different scenarios by so many people. Those words are just like my existence.

Hollow, Lifeless, and Nothing.

Puck clears his throat.

"I'm going to give you two a minute."

He moves off the bed while B climbs on it. I don't say anything to her, I just play with my drawstring. B moved closer to me.

"I shouldn't have even thought about Sam. You were right. He doesn't mean as much to me as you do. I have been waiting to hear those things from you; I'm not just going to let you go that easily. I don't want to hurt you either." She whispered

I didn't say anything.

Little too late for that now. I am already hurting; you were supposed to choose me not him. If someone is not choosing another person over me, they are just selfish. I have yet to meet someone who gave me their all as much as I give them.

"I love you San."

I closed my eyes as her lips pressed against my cheek and she placed her arm in my lap. Staring down at her bare forearm, I let my fingers trace over her skin.

I. L.O.V.E. Y.O.U.

B smiled widened.

"What now?" I muttered

Brittany leaned forward to kiss my cheek, "You get rid of Puck."

I swallowed thickly. That doesn't sound like a movie watching suggestion, that sounds more like a sexual reference. I don't think I'm ready for that.

"Okay."

I would do anything for her though.

"PUCK, STOP LISTENING THROUGH THE DOOR AND LEAVE!" I yelled

You could hear him snickering before a quick yell back, "I CAN TELL WHEN I'M NOT WANTED! TEXT ME LATER SAN WITH THE DETAILS."

I rolled my eyes at his statement. Horny bastard. Britts shrugged her jacket off, chucked it to the side then kicked off her shoes. B had a pair of sweats on with a tight V-neck shirt. I felt my mouth go dry as her hipbone made an appearance from under her pants.

I want to touch her there but if I do, she will touch me. I haven't really been intimate with someone like that since it all happened. I don't know what to do or what will happen.

"So you want to watch a movie?" I asked hesitantly

Please say yes because if you touch me, I'm going to freak out. If you try to feel me up, I will freak out. If you kiss me like the way you use to, I will die.

B smirked, "I was thinking about something else."

I gripped the sheets as she threw a leg over mine then straddled my waist. Just breath Santana, you can get past this and the anxiety. My heart started to speed up as she grasped my face in her hands. Guiding my face towards hers, our lips touched which erupted a burning in my lower half.

Balling my fists, I squeezed the comforter as she parted her lips and pushed her tongue into my mouth. Kissing back, I could feel my ears start to burn. This is all too much. I can't do this.

No Santana, you can do this. It's just anxiety trying to control your life. Trying to control you but you are strong. You can fight it.

Britts broke this kiss with a small smirk on her lips; she moved her head to my neck. I swallowed thickly while moving my legs nervously as I felt her brush my hair back. Letting out a small gasp when lips met my neck. Brittany's hands slid up my sides then back down.

I kept squeezing the comforter in between hands while my eyes shifted around nervously. It's okay Santana. She's not going to harm you. She loves you. She wouldn't do that. He did that and he loves you. He is programmed to love you. What makes you think she won't?

No. I know her. She won't.

I let my head move to the side more as I felt her hands slither under my shirt. Brittany's mouth sucked softly on my earlobe while rubbing my bare stomach.

"I want you." She whispered

My eyes slammed shut, god I want you. I want you so bad it burns deep inside. A fire erupts in the pit of my stomach while a dull throb appears in my intimate area. I lay awake at night, dreaming about how I wish you could touch me. I'm afraid. Please I need you to know that. I need you to know what has been locked inside for years. Brittany's finger squirmed between my pants and my skin to rub there.

Shit. I squeezed the comforter. No. No. No.

_He kneeled on the side of the bed, slowly caressing my back with his hands. I could feel him rub my muscles along my spine as his hands slid lower. Fingers pushed the waistband of my pants back and slid under rubbing my backside._

"_Turn over."_

_Doing as I was told, I flipped onto my back. A hand rubbed my stomach before dipping below my waistband; rough- dry fingers began to rub my most intimate part. _

"NO!" I yelled

Pushing whoever was on top me, I jumped off my bed and ran over to my closet. Opening the door, I ran inside, curled into a ball on the floor and rocked myself.

It's okay. You are okay.

"Santana?"

I squeezed my eyes shut as I continued back and forth rocking.

"Santana what's wrong?"

I could feel her come closer to me then place her hands on top my arms. Brittany's scent invading every one of my senses and calming me a bit.

Just go away, let me rot here in my own self-pity and skeletons.

Britt's hands rubbed my forearms, "Baby, you are scaring me. What's going on?"

I didn't say anything. I just need to breathe. All this will go away. I could feel Brittany closer then envelop me in her arms and pulled me into her. She rocked me in her arms while I just panted heavily with my eyes slammed shut.

"I'm sorry." I whispered

I'm sorry I can't be your everything.

Britt's lips pressed against my temple, "Don't be, but what was that all about? Did I do something wrong?"

I shook my head no against her shoulder.

"Then what happened?"

The real question should be what hasn't happened.

I pulled back to look at her, B's face screamed concern and worry. I'm pathetic. I'm making such a big deal over nothing. You are such a loser. You need to get over this shit.

I bit my lip, "I-I."

Brittany stared at me waiting patiently as she wiped away my tears, "You don't have to tell me until you're ready okay?"

I let out a huge sigh of relief then nodded my head quietly.

"Come on, let's go lay down."

B lifted me up in her arms and I smiled against her neck as she placed me on the bed. B crawled over to my side. She is close but not pressing up against me. I watched as she carefully placed her hand on my stomach to rest there.

I stared at her hand.

Flipping her palm around, I brought the pad of my finger to her skin.

I. L.O.V.E.Y.O.U.

B sighed contently in my ear, "I love you too."

A small smile played at my lips as I turned to her. Leaning in, I pressed my lips against her. I could feel her hand lifting but stopping.

She's not sure if she can touch me. Well after that traumatizing display before I would be afraid to touch me also. Taking her hand, I placed it behind my neck as I deepened the kiss. Her fingers intertwined into my hair as my tongue met hers. I hummed contently. B's leg pressed between my legs, her thigh meeting the junction between my legs. Breaking the kiss, I stared down at her with a smile.

"What?" She whispered

I shook my head, "Nothing."

Lie number 11.

Everything that's what, you are everything. I have waited so long to kiss you like that. I have waited so long for you to call me baby. It's not fair that you can give me something so beautiful and I can't reciprocate that.

I need to tell her. How am I going to tell her?

Grabbing a piece of paper, I wrote down a few words. Brittany raised an eyebrow when I handed it to her.

_I'm afraid..._

B's eyebrows furrowed, "Afraid of what?"

I licked my lips, "I can't say it. It's too embarrassing. You will think I'm a loser. I already know that I am because of it."

"Baby, you are not a loser. It's okay, just tell me. We can handle it."

I felt my finger twitch under the paper. Just write it Santana.

_I am afraid of intimacy._

I wrote it but held on to it, "I don't want you to read it."

Brittany stared at me with loving eyes, "Why not?"

"I'm not ready." I whispered shaking my head

I stared at the paper with sad eyes.

Just give it to her, let her read it. She won't laugh. She won't make fun of you. Closing my eyes, I pressed the note to her hand so she can read it. Brittany read it before letting out a shaky breath.

"Something terrible has happened to you and that's why isn't it? That's why when I touched you, you freaked out." B mumbled

I didn't say anything, I just stared down at the blanket. Brittany's fingers touched my chin to pull my face to look at hers.

"No one will hurt you ever again."

I felt tears prick my eyes.

It's been four years that I have craved for someone to say that to me. Brittany pulled me into her embrace so I pushed my face into the crook of her neck.

We laid there in silence, the little note soon forgotten as Brittany held me tight. My arms encircling her waist and gripped her shirt.

Please give me your everything, I'm going to give you my all. Please hold my hand, catch me when I fall. I'll be honest, I'll be true, just tell me you will be too. Kiss me in the rain, kiss away my tears, hold me until I stop shaking from my fears. My past is coming, it's quick on it's feet, I'm fighting dear please bare with me.

A/N: So I didn't realize how many people were following this story which is great. I didn't think people would read this story because it's angsty.

Thank you to all the reviews about how well written it is, raw, and powerful, I'm glad it converys that. I really just want to do all these issues justice, show people what it's like, and share the story.

TO THE REVIEWER ASKING ABOUT THE THERAPIST: I don't want to tell you too much but you will find out in the next chapter why. Thanks for commenting.

You guys rock, love you, review please?


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except this story, based on true events.

Santana's POV

We fell asleep for a little while. When I woke up Brittany was silently watching television as I slept on her shoulder. Sitting up a bit, I yawned.

"Hey sleepyhead."

Glancing back down, Britts stared up at me with a cheeky smile. I just quirked an eyebrow up at her with a small smile playing at my lips.

She is so beautiful sometimes I feel like I am not worthy. Then I realized, it's night outside. My father is home, my mom is home and Brittany is here. Nighttime, he drinks, he takes pills, he stumbles around the house, he hits my mom, he screams, and he does stupid shit.

We need to leave this house. I don't want her finding out like that. I don't need her being exposed to the toxic environment I live with everyday. She is so pure, innocent, so sweet. I won't let anyone corrupt her, hurting her, or tearing her down.

This world is cruel. Reality is a vicious vision with rabies. She doesn't need that.

Leaning down, I pressed my lips to her forehead. I love kissing you like this. She placed her hand on my bicep as I hovered over her.

"Is anyone home at your house?" I questioned in a hushed voice

B shook her head no while brushing my hair back with her other hand, "Nope, the house is empty. My parents went out on their date night and my sister is at a sleepover."

Perfect.

"Let's go to your house then." I whispered

Anywhere but here, the nightmares will begin soon.

Britts nodded, "Okay."

Jumping up, I grabbed my sweatshirt and threw on some sneakers. I grabbed my duffle bag. Throwing in some pajamas, my pills, my journal, an outfit tomorrow and my cell phone, I turned to see B waiting at the door. Strolling over to her, I slipped my hand into hers.

This is okay. He may have held my hand but it's not like this. I am holding her hand. I made the initiative. It's okay when I do that. She is grasping back because she loves me. She wants to be affectionate. She wants to hold my hand. She doesn't want to take advantage of me.

Tugging on her arm, I led her out into the hallway and down the stairs. My mother was sitting on the phone while my father sat in his recliner with a glass of whiskey.

"I'm going to Brittany's; sleeping over, see you tomorrow." I rushed out

I didn't wait for their reply, I just ran out the door with Brittany. She giggled as we stepped into the cold night where there were light snow flurries. Pulling B into me, we made our way down the street. I pressed my lips to her neck.

I love you. There are so many words I want to tell you. All I can do is kiss and hold you. In hopes that one of my kisses, one of my hugs conveys all these feelings. All these feelings that I have been harboring for the past four years.

When we finally made it back to her house, we settled into the living room. She had brought her comforter down after placing a blanket on the floor. I grabbed a few throw pillows and placed them on the floor. B also ordered some pizza.

Laying on my side, I waited for her to get comfy as she laid on her side also facing me. So beautiful, so perfect, so pure. B smiled at me cutely as she placed her hand between us. I took that as the initiative to place my hand on top of hers.

"So are you scared of me touching you all the time?" She asked quietly

I knew these questions would be coming since I did tell her. I just don't know how she is going to react. I don't want her to think that I don't want her touching me. I want her to touch me. But I have to do it first.

I shook my head, "No, only certain ways you touch me. If I touch you first or move your hand, it's okay because I'm in control."

I have to do it first. At my own pace when I'm ready. If I flinch or pull way, know that it's me not you. It's not that I don't want you close, it's my past.

"Oh." She said softly

I bit my lip.

Not the answer I was expecting but at least she isn't freaking out.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" She asked hushed

I licked my lips before turning my head up to the ceiling.

I want to. I want to tell you everything. However, you need to understand. Once you open Pandora's Box, there is no closing it. I want to unlock the chest that buried deep within, open it to you. It scares me though. What else could possibly come up that I have yet to remember, it's daunting.

I sighed, "Can we just lay here?"

Britts bit her lip then nodded, "Okay."

That's what we did, we laid there quietly as the television flickered some sort of show. Brittany moved closer to the point that she was pressed up against my arm. Turning my head to the left, my breathing began to pick up. Relax, she just wants to be close to you. You want that also just remain calm. Leaning forward, I smiled as her lips captured mine. I could feel Brittany's hand lift up but hover over me.

Taking her hand, I placed it on my hip. She squeezed it softly. Rolling over a bit, I laid on my side as my leg settled between hers. My hand eventually found her hip as my tongue dipped into her mouth. I could kiss her for hours. Kissing her is my new favorite obsession. I think I'm going to buy a new journal just to write about her. Brittany's hand slipped into my hair while tilting her head to deepen the kiss even more. I moaned softly in her mouth while my hand pushed under her shirt to rub the smooth skin.

I want to do so much more than this. But I can't because of what he did. I have to tell her.

Breaking the kiss, I stared down at her with hooded eyes.

"I was molested."

Holy shit.

I watched as Brittany's face went from turned on to shock in a mere few seconds. The realization dawning on her after what I had just confessed.

I said it. I said it and I didn't break. I said it. I'm so fucking happy right now. I said it aloud and I don't feel gross. I don't feel dirty. I just wish it came out in a different way, at a different time and place.

B stared at me with wide eyes, "What?"

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. You dumbass of course she isn't okay with this. She is probably disgusted. Glancing down, I pulled away from her completely. She probably can't even stand the sight of me now. Sitting on the corner of the blanket, I brought my knees up to my chest and hugged myself.

Nice job, screw that shit up real well you fucking moron, how long did you have her for? Not even twenty-four fucking hours.

"Santana, did you just say what I think you just said?"

I bit my lip, "I should go."

Run, that's what I do. I need to run. I need to get out of here. It's suffocating. There is not enough air in this room.

As I was about to stand up, I felt Brittany's body press against mine and pull me into her. I flinched at the sudden contact but didn't move out of her arms.

"No. I'm sorry, I just-."

I shook my head, "It's fine, I get it."

"No you don't. I wasn't expecting you to say that in general, let alone when we were kissing. But I'm so proud of you for say it baby. I'm so proud of you."

I felt tears prick my eyes while I turned my head away from her, "You think I'm gross don't you?"

I felt her hand cup my cheek and bring my face to hers, "Never."

"I wanted to tell you, Puck knows." I whispered sadly

"You told Puck but not me?"

Great, now she's hurt that I told him but not her.

I let my eyes lock on hers, "He was there after it happened. After I told him, I buried it down. Brittany there are a lot of things I haven't told you."

Brittany stared at me with worried eyes, "Like what?"

Where to start? If I tell her more, I will break. I can't break. I can't let her see me weak. I have to be the strong one out of the both of us.

"I-."

The journal.

Maneuvering around, I grabbed my duffle bag and pulled out the book. I stared at her as I swallowed thickly.

"This will tell you everything."

It will change everything at the same time.

I pushed it towards hers, "What is it?"

"A journal, I write everything I feel in it." I answered timidly

Brittany bit her lip staring at the book, "Are you sure you want me to read it?"

I am not sure about anything right now. I am not sure why I'm still here. Living, breathing and talking when I crave to be six feet under already.

"I don't know." I said sadly, "It will tell you everything."

B put the book down, "But I want to hear it from you."

"I don't think I can do that."

Brittany pulled my body into hers while wrapping her arms around my waist. I stared down at the floor with my jaw clenched as she gazed at the side of my face.

"How about I ask you questions and you can answer them that way?" B whispered

I nodded, "I can try."

Britts lips pressed to my temple before pulling away to ask, "Someone hurt you physically right?"

I nodded my head yes as I balled my fist.

"Okay, was it a stranger or someone close to you?"

I licked my lips, "Someone close to me."

Chancing a glance over, Brittany bit her lip as her eyes were searching for something. Bringing my finger up, I placed it on her bare forearm.

Slowly I began to trace the letters,

M.Y. F.A.T.H.E.R.

I could feel B tense up as soon as I finished the last letter, "Your father hurt you?"

Nodding my head yes, I wiped away the tear that fell from my eye. Brittany's hold tightened on me as she pressed her forehead against the side of my head.

"Baby." B said breathlessly

I started to move my leg to prevent myself from crying, "It was when I was a kid. It happened once but there was so much of a build up to it."

Britts stayed quiet as she held me tight.

"I wanted to tell you, I just don't know how. So I buried it like I do with everything that happens."

B's lips pressed to my cheek, "But what about your therapist? She's knows right? Why hasn't she done something?"

My eyes locked with hers, "Because it was four years ago. There was no report; it's my word against his. Plus, I can't do that. I can't do that to my mother."

"But he hurt you!" She replied angry

I winced at the pain that etched her voice.

"He put his hands on you; he is supposed to protect you. You have every right to call the police."

I stared down at the floor, "It's not that simple. My mom doesn't know what happened. Plus I'm seventeen going to be eighteen soon. I can leave the house if I wanted too. My therapist has told me that. She asks me if I feel safe where I am living, I told her yes."

"That's a complete lie." B shot back, "Why haven't you told your mother? I'm sure she would kick his ass out if you do."

"Because I don't want her hurting or blaming herself." I defended

Brittany glared at me, "Are you serious Santana? It is her fault. She should be around more instead of working so much. Who cares if she hurts? You are hurting. You are the child, she is the parent."

I bit inside of my cheek.

"You need to tell her. I can't believe this." Brittany replied agitated

I glanced down, "I don't need you yelling at me. This is why I didn't want to tell you or anyone really."

I felt Brittany's shoulder slump as her hands cradled mine.

"I'm sorry, I'm just angry. I want to hurt him because he hurt you. I want you to be okay, to feel safe." She whispered sadly

I sighed, "There's more."

B tensed up at those words, "More?"

I nodded before climbing out of her arms. Sitting down across from her, I brought my knees up my chest. I just have to tell her everything.

No more secrets.

"My father did what he did to me. He abuses alcohol and prescription drugs. Every night it's a battle between me and him because he is so inebriated. I can't count how many nights I stay awake in fear he was going to come into my room and finish what he started years ago." I explained quietly

Lie number 12 I believe.

I keep a total of how many nights he is drunk today would be.

Drunken night-three hundred sixty eight.

B went to open her mouth but I shook my head and continued, "He never stops drinking. I hate the night. Nighttime is when shit happens. I don't sleep. I can't. I'm too scared, too afraid, too worried. He spends his nights falling over the house, crashing into things, banging his body, vomiting, pissing everywhere and I have to take care of it. I have to deal with it while my mom works or is asleep."

Don't stop now.

"It's been like that for three years, I am so fed up that- I- I want to kill myself." I whispered

B stared at me with watery eyes, "I thought about it a lot. I have made up different scenarios in my head about what I can do. I thought about pills, cutting, hanging and even drowning myself in the bathtub. I have written many suicide notes that are hidden in my bedroom. In my draws, under my pillow, under my bed, in my nightstand, in my medicine cabinet, on my computer under the file name school, in my journal and in my guitar case. But I have never attempted it because I'm too afraid. When I say I want to be alone, that's a lie. I don't want to be alone because then these thoughts pop into my brain. I feel like everyone would be better off if I was gone. If I never existed, I want to not be here anymore. I don't want to be me. I'm disgusting. I'm pathetic. I'm weak. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I hate this anxiety. I hate this depression. I hate my father. I hate my mother. I hate all these issues. I hate my life."

Brittany just sat there quietly before her hand reached out. She grasped my bicep then pulled me forward. Moving over, I straddled her waist as she wrapped her arms around me and held me tight. Burying my head into her neck, I let out a sigh of relief.

It feels like that big ass elephant that was sitting on my chest and shoulders have been lifted. I feel like I can fall asleep without any trouble.

I finally began to cry more like sob uncontrollably. My whole body started to shake as I cried and cried. I cried for my thirteen-year-old self, I cried for every night I didn't get sleep. I cried for every time I thought about killing myself. I cried for every time I wanted to tell her but couldn't.

I cried for everything. I cried for the drunken nights. I cried for my father. I cried for my mother. I cried for myself. Four years, I cried four years worth of tears in her arms. Brittany just held me while rubbing my forearms instead of my back. She whispered that everything was going to be okay. That she was here, she wouldn't let anyone hurt me ever again.

I believe her because that's what you do when you trust someone. You believe them

Pulling my head back, I wiped my face.

"It's going to be different okay? I'm here. I'm not leaving. You are not going to be alone anymore. I promise you." B said sincerely

Please don't break that promise. If you break it, you will finish me off.

I stared at her, "I'm sorry."

B's eyebrows furrowed, "For what? You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Not telling you, treating you the way I have and hurting you."

Britts kissed my lips gently, "I think you have several good reasons to act the way you have. I don't care that you didn't tell me, I'm just glad you did right now. We will get through this even if we slowly start touching you okay?"

I nodded, "Okay."

"We will make this work, I promise. I'll wait forever if I have too."

Leaning forward, I captured her bottom lip between mine. Kissing Brittany, I placed her hands on my neck as my hands gripped the bottom of her shirt.

I didn't tell her in great detail but now she knows. She knows he molested me, he preyed on my innocence and trust. That's why I don't trust people easily. She knows that he is an alcoholic and drug addict, that's why I don't drink or want to be around alcohol. She knows that I want to kill myself, that's why I want to be left alone to my own devices. She knows that I haven't told my mother, despite wanting to every second of the day. She knows I love her, that I would do anything for her.

What else is there to tell?

How I hate myself, how I have all these scars. How I have anxiety, that I'm depressed. How I have been taking medication. How I can't feel anything. How I self-hate and call myself names.

That I'm just a fucked up individual in general.

I rather hurt myself than hurt others. I rather hurt than someone else hurt. I don't feel like I matter. I don't feel like my feelings matter at all. I don't care about myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself because I can't be normal.

Normal, something I am not. I want to be in a normal relationship but I'm afraid of intimacy, I'm afraid of commitment, I'm afraid of being hurt again and I'm afraid of falling in love. I will give you my all. I will do anything to make you happy. I will do anything for you to give me a smile.

I don't need sex. I need you to hold me. I want you to be there. I don't care about being intimate like that. I want a kiss. I want you to hold my hand. I want you to tell me I'm beautiful because I know I'm ugly.

I want to know if you can handle all this, if you can handle me.

Brittany was slowly kissing me with all the love she could muster up. I pushed my tongue into her mouth as her hands knotted into my hair. Gripping her shirt, I pressed my body up closer to hers.

I want you.

I need to tell you that.

Breaking the kiss, I stared at her.

"I want you." I said softly, "But it will take time."

B smiled up at me, "Time is nothing but numbers. I'm not good with numbers anyway."

I let out a big smile.

"That's something I haven't seen in awhile. Can I get you to do it again?" B teased

I raised an eyebrow at her, "Probably not."

Brittany kissed my nose.

"I bet you I can." She sang

I just tilted my head with a small smile, "How?"

"By telling you, I love you." She whispered

My small smile widened when said that.

"Told you."

You are my angel, you are my light, you guide me through these tough times. I'll scream, I'll cry, I'll push you away, in hopes that you will not stray. Don't leave me ever again, because if you do I'll surely be dead. You make me happy, you make me smile, I'll do anything to hold your hand for awhile. You have to be patient, take your time, if you don't I'll run and hide. I don't want to run, I don't want to hide, so please understand these lines I write. You helped me so much, just by listening; I wish that I could stop this self-hating. I'll leave these words written in the book, one day I hope that you will take a look. I am a lonely girl, living in a hell but you are my savior, you are my angel.

**A.N: Thank you for the favs, alerts, comments and kind words, it is great to know there are readers out their reading this. Plus understand some of the things I have discussed in the chapters. This story will be two more chapters probably before I end it. **

**Love ya. Any questions just PM me. Review?**


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